Reader trying to explain self-harm scars to Thorin by darlingogormano
Now this one was actually a bit of a challenge for me to write and I think I came up with about three different scenarios. Never having self-harmed and only ever considering it while i was in a dark place, i had no idea how to respond to someone finding out, especially someone like Thorin who has been a fictional strong-point for me in the last year and a bit. I also just want everyone to know that, no matter who you are, if you ever need someone to talk to my ask box is always open and I am always happy to help or just lend an ear. ~ darlingogormano
Helping a few of the boys clean up after dinner you had rolled your sleeves up so they wouldn’t get wet, completely forgetting about the scars carved into your delicate wrists. Small pink scars covered your skin from previous episodes while larger, more darker scars from more recently lay over top of them.
No one knew of you self-harm and you planned to keep it that way, you didn’t need pity from any of the company nor did you wish to disappoint any of them either.
You carried a stack of clean dishes and put them in a pile next to the fire so everyone could claim their own bowls and cutlery. You clapped your hands together and placed them on your hips, quite proud with yourself. A proud smile had made it’s way across your face until you felt a strong hand grip your forearm and you pivoted around to find Thorin peering down at your scars, a frown across his own face. The smile left yours almost instantly as he looked up to you, “Are you hurt? Did someone do this to you?”
You snatch your wrists back and turn to hurry off, “Oh, umm, it’s nothing.”
His hand shot out and grabbed your upper arm with an iron grip to stop you walking away. “Show me your wrists” he commanded, “If someone has hurt you, tell me, I will help you.”
"No Thorin, it’s fine. I…fell." You try lying to the Dwarf.
"Don’t lie to me" he voice is a low growl, you know there’s no escape now. "Tell me what happened."
You stare into his blue eyes, both glaring at each other. You could be just as stubborn as Thorin but you were the first to give in. You sighed and closed your eyes as you answered him, “I did them.”
"What?" he asked confused.
"The scars, i put them there." Your voice was a mix of disappointment in yourself and the embarrassment that Thorin knew.
"You what?" his brows were furrowed in further confusion, "Why?"
"Because sometimes it’s the only way to deal with everything." You looked down at the ground, scared to look at Thorin and the inevitable disappointment that would be painted across his face.
"But it’s not the only way. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"It is the only way for me, Thorin. I can’t go out and slaughter Orcs or have a round of sparring with Fili or Kili to feel better. It takes the pain away, it helps release the demons from inside of me. We all have battles to fight Thorin and I choose to fight mine different to how you fight yours."
"But you have no need to put this pain upon yourself."
"I don’t expect you to understand but it’s all that helps sometimes, I can’t explain it."
Thorin raised your wrist up and spent a long moment looking over it as he gently rubbed his thumbs over the raised skin of the scars, “I’m sorry” you said, the words coming out no more than a whisper.You still couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, scared of his disappointment and judgement of you now.
"It’s not me you should apologize to." He didn’t raise his eyes, instead bringing your wrist up further and placing delicate, quick kisses on your scars. Butterflies swarmed in your stomach and your heart was in your throat. His short beard tickling your skin and his warm breath leaving trails on your skin. He lowers your wrists and looks up into your eyes before speaking again, "I want you to make a promise to me, my mahganagul khuhaj*, that you will refrain from this self harm. Can you promise me that?"
You look back down at the ground for a quick moment before finally meeting his eyes, “For you i will try.”
Seemingly satisfied with your answer, a small smile appears on Thorin’s face. “If you ever feel inclined to pick up a knife or blade again, you must find me and i will sit with you or talk to you or do whatever I can to help.”
You stare at him, a small smile on your own face now and tears slowly pricking your vision. You nod and wrap your arms around him, taking him quite by surprise but he soon returns the hug as you bury your face in his fur collar. “Thank you Thorin” you whisper. You hear him let out a quiet, deep, throaty chuckle.
Over the next few days Thorin kept an eye on you and often got you involved, sparring with you or teaching you how to work a sword to keep your mind off other, more sinister things. You were honestly so thankful for him and he never let on to any of the others that he knew your little secret.